NydaZegers , xxo

dear diary

it’s 11.30pm..im supposed to sleep but my mind cant stop reminding me of you, and i wonder how am i gonna sleep if my eyes cant stop crying. sadly it has become my routine, i cry myself to sleep and i wake up crying again.. all these tears describe how sick i feel deep inside my heart. i am all alone in this big room, waiting for someone whom i know that will never come. i feel like i wanna cry until my eyeballs come out, until there is no tears left. i miss you sayang :’(

i have no one to talk to now, i know there’s nobody out there who can help me,who can listen to me, not even my frens, my family or you. i have to keep this to myself, i’ve to handle this pain i have to go through this hard situation alone. sometimes i feel like packing all my stuffs and run away when nobody cares about me and i know i can and i will do that because no one will stop me. i want to run away until one day everyone will find me and start to ge worried of me. i dont care about my safety, if i choose to run away, to an island or any places where nobody can find me.i am a big girl i know i can do that.all i need is time for me to be alone.

where are you? do you miss me like the way i do? i hate it when i feel like you are letting me go. why do you have to do this to me? you make me feel useless and im about to give up to live when you ruin my life. can you imagine if you are at my place now? i am a girl, im weak, i cry a lot, i put so much hopes on you, i feel like you are source to my happiness, and when you are gone i wont feel happy again. i hate myself now, i hate myself for what i have done, for hurting you. i wonder why you act so cruel, i wonder have you ever thought of me?

so here i am, going through another break up phase in my life, it is the second time and i swear to god this will be the last one in my life. i will not let any boys enter my life, it’s enough. i would rather end up being single until the end of my life than being hurt all over again. you make me hate boys, you make me feel like i dont wanna get married, do you know that? it’s so sad to think that i dont wanna get married, have my own husband my own babies my own family, because i am afraid if i will fail in love again, if someone fails to appreciate me, if someone will hurt me again, and most important is i dont have you anymore, someone who i plan to get married with, who i wish he can be the father to my children. i have my own plan for my future before i meet you, but i forget and i change my plan my dreams when i meet you, and now i feel like you will walk out of my life even though i dont wanna let you go, so i have to go back to my old plan and try to forget what i want from you. i swear to god that i will live half alive if you walk away from me, i know that i will cry like a baby everyday, i will turn into somebody else, i wont be as happy as before, i will force myself to wake up every morning and force myself to breath,my life will be so miserable.

a few weeks left until the end of 2011, i have a really bad ending for this year, i wonder what will happen on 2012, are you still going to be mine, are we still gonna be together?

this one is for you

i cant even begin to explain how much i miss my old life. everything changed just in a blink of eye. as during last year, i was busy struggling and studying for examination but this year here i am , going through this endless-indescribable pain. i’ve never thought it would be like this. it’s all because of my mistake, i need extra attention from you, thts all im asking for, but when you dont give me what i want, it seems like you’re too busy with your own life till you dont have enough time to spend with me, i end up making my own decision, to be free from you, to take a break from this thing so-called LOVE, but i’ve come to realize that it’s so different without you, i cant survive on my own. i love you whole-heartedly and when i get hurt, it hurts me too much.i know tht i break your heart into million pieces since you put a hope on me.it’s so sweet and kind of you for wanting to get married with me,like for real.i’ve never met someone who’s willing to take me as a wife.being as your special gf for 3 months aint enough fr me, we do many things together, we share our dreams, one of them is to have our own family soon.you promise me everything, you give me hopes and sweetdreams, you teach me how it feels like to feel on cloud nine, and i swear you make me feel like i am the most happiest person alive, but now everything change.we are so close before, we talk and act like married couple, we make fun of each other, you make me laugh when i wanna go mad at you, but now we are stranger who knows each other very well. i swear to god tht i regret of what i said before.im not supposed to make a decision when i am mad at you,when im in tears. now you keep ignoring me, it seems like you’re happy without me with your own life, but im the one drowning in emotions and this endless stream of tears.i feel like i cant be who i used to be anymore.it’s been like ages since i felt like i am on cloud nine, im happy with my life.you have no idea how much it hurts me, i cry everyday and i never seem to get tired of it. i cant pretend that im happy when deep inside me i just wanna burst out crying.i cry awake at night and hug my pillow,flooded with these memories of you and me,and pray tht i will die before i wake.i dont know how much more my heart can break. i give you all i had, i just want make things better,back to how it used to be,but you dont seem to care at all but i cant bring myself to hate you no matter how much you hurt me.peope say just let it go because im hurting myself badly, i forget how to smile when all i wanna do is crying, but they are not in my shoes, they dont know how it feels like letting go of someone you love.i keep wondering how you can go a day without talking to me,why do you have to give me hopes when you have an intention to leave me in this kind of way. whts the point of giving me a lovely song, whats the point of saying you love me when you treat me like im a heartless-barbie-doll? from your actions i can tell that you dont really need me,if you’re not gonna be around then tell me. does it makes you happy to see im bleeding? do i deserve to be treated like this for wht i’ve done, for hurting your feelings? you are too busy playing with your emotions till you forget me, you cant see someone is waiting for you and would sacrifice for you.you dont realize tht i open the door into my life for you,but you close yours and you push me away like im a stranger. I cant imagine my life without you, it would take years for me to forget you,to forget all about us if you choose to leave me.i make my decision to be yours,now and forever because you dont even know how special you are,i put you at the highest place in my heart.my last words are, i hope you read this, what i write for you from my heart. And i swear on my name that i love you as much as i love myself,as much as i love my mom and dad,i’ve never wanted someone like i want you now, and i would do whatever it takes for you to always be mine. The king of my heart, that no one will replace you. I love you, so much..